I have no idea

My body is terribly confusing me.  I really have no idea when or if I ovulated.  According to OPKs, I haven’t.  I’m … sort of embarrassed by how many OPKs I’ve peed on this cycle.  (And I don’t embarrass easily. See the post about my fridge biznass.) I never got a positive (unless you count the one I posted as a positive, which I don’t), though I got almost-positives on CD14 and CD16.

According to Fertility Friend (see below), though, I ovulated on CD14.  Odd that it’s so sure, given my CM doesn’t perfectly correlate with that. Doesn’t it usually put the dashed lines when there’s a question?

As far as me, I do feel like it’s happened.  I felt totally PMS-y on CD14 (crampy, sore boobs, etc.), and I remember thinking that was strange. When I’ve woken up the past couple of days, I’ve felt warm like I usually do in my luteal phase. But who knows.

Whatever, dude.  Even I’m tired my obsessing. Mostly so that I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore, I made the call to start the Prometrium tonight, stop temping (it invites obsession), and call Bone Week over. So I’m … maybe-sort-of-not-really-sure in the two week wait. I don’t feel good about this cycle at all, so I’m excited for at least a whole week free of obsession before I start analyzing possible pregnancy symptoms.  It will be nice to have my brain back.

Why I need to invest in digital OPKs, also, a better camera

Because what fun is obsessing over OPKs when you have to do it with a shitty iPhone camera?

Today I got to work from home, because I had a doctor’s appointment over lunch.  So around 10am I decided to pee on an OPK, because that’s my set time – that way I can usually hold out on going potty for 2 hours on days I commute to work, since I don’t drink or pee on the train (obviously) (although maybe not, if you are a crazy person).

Zee test, it was clearly negative.  I pouted and then went off to my doctor’s appointment.  I was proclaimed “very healthy.”

Around 2:30, I had a sudden brainstorm that I would pee into a tupperware container.  ???  Yes, I know.  See, I thought the test from this morning was wrong, somehow, it just didn’t look the way it usually does (red streaks).  And I wanted to take another one but seriously, 4.5 hours later?  That just seemed like a waste of a test that could not be justified.  So I decided to stick my biznass in the fridge until I could justify it.  Or until my husband found it and divorced me.

Anyway!  THEN, around 5pm, I decided to take a First Response test.  (I have a lot of pee sticks in the house, in case you can’t tell.)  Because they’re BETTER than the stupid internet strips who don’t know what they’re taking about, right?  So I did.  And it was defective!  Like, nothing happened.  I even tried sticking the wick in the toilet water after a few minutes to see if it was ovulating.  First Response is totally getting a strongly worded letter and a stick with my pee on it in the mail.

And then (yes, this pee story is still going), I felt gypped by the First Response experience, but lo, my pee was gone down the toilet. Behold, justification for testing my biznass in the fridge.  (Note: This should work for 24 hours.)  See above.  That … may or may not be positive.  The line on the left looks slightly lighter?  Maybe?  Who knows.  I would test with another brand but eff you, First Response.

This is the most asinine blog post I have ever written.

Anyway, it’s Bone Week so it only really matters for determining when I start taking Prometrium.  I’m glad I’m temping this cycle.

Seduction

Last weekend, after a few glasses of sangria, I informed my husband that this week is Bone Week.  He responded, “You only want me for my sperms.”  Maybe I should work on my seduction techniques.

So, anyway, nothing is really going on.  Started OPKing a few days ago, and they’re negative but that’s to be expected.  I am taking them this early more for the novelty of peeing on a stick than out of expectation of a positive.  This will probably get old after a few months, but it’s sort of fun now since I’ve been benched for so long.

***

I did fertility yoga about a year and a half ago, and actually got pregnant within two months after starting it (though I attribute that more to my gaining weight and taking Clomid than the yoga).  After I miscarried, I stopped because I just didn’t want to go back to that yoga studio anymore – the place where I’d been so hopeful and optimistic – given that just then I felt like a piece of shit that had been run over by a car.  And then my husband got laid off and we didn’t have the money anyway.

I’ve been thinking (thanks to Baby Race) about trying it again, though, at a different place.   I’ve still thinking about taking a class, too, and that might swing the decision – both in terms of time and money.  We’ll see.

***

Not much else is going on, really.  The most exciting thing in my life this week was the LOST finale on Sunday.  I am so, so sad LOST is over.  I loved this show, it was one of the few shows where I could watch it and completely forget about whatever was going on with trying to conceive or being pregnant and just lose myself in the story.

Conflicted

So on Thursday we had the orientation webinar with the adoption agency.  I feel a bit conflicted about it and not sure where I want to go next.

As far as the TTC thing, the message was that after an initial consultation and an Adoption 101 class, we would be expected to “embrace the adoption process and stop infertility treatments.”  Even though we wouldn’t be doing infertility treatments, one message that I did get from the presentation is that it would be hard to do both at the same time, mostly because adoption is really demanding emotionally.  Who has the energy to mash their boobs together every ten seconds during the two week wait to see if they hurt AND deal with convincing a social worker that they would make awesome adoptive parents despite the fact that  they inexplicably keep mashing their boobs together?  Plus, I became really cheap when my husband got laid off last year, and part of me balks at paying $5,000 for a home study if we aren’t 100% committed to adopting.

Another issue I feel conflicted about is mental health. The last few years have not been all that fun, and for a time I took Zoloft and went to counseling, though I’m not doing either anymore.  My understanding is that this should be fine in the home study, but I would have to get both my old psychiatrist and my therapist to write letters saying they had no concerns about my being an adoptive parent.

Which – ugh.  I stopped seeing them both rather abruptly, and it would be awkward and weird.  My psychiatrist was seriously a douchebag who yelled at his secretary and even other patients (most of them were elderly) most of the times I was there.  And once I told him that I had was dealing with body image issues – which was the reason for my initial infertility, as I kept running marathons and not, er, eating – when I told him the Zoloft was helping and I was able to ease up on the exercise, his response was, well, just make sure you don’t eat too much.  After all, you don’t want to get fat!

So after a year I basically cancelled an appointment and never rescheduled.  I wanted to quit talking Zoloft anyway, so I slowly lowered the dose down like you’re supposed to and I have been fine ever since.

I suspect, though, that if I show up now and ask him to sign a paper saying I’d be an awesome adoptive parent, he’d probably not be pleased with me.

The therapist would be fine, though.  Still awkward and weird, but I know she’d support me and write a very nice letter for me.  So, there’s that.

I don’t know what to do about all this.  Since I really don’t think I’m ready based on the TTC-and-Adoption-at-the-Same-Time issue, I think it might be good to let the adoption thing sit for awhile.  Say, though the summer.  But I wonder if I should address the mental health thing in the meantime, and sort of get my ducks in a row for the fall.  Maybe I should go see the old psychiatrist and tell him what I did with the Zoloft?  Call my old therapist to say hi and tell her I’m doing well?  I don’t know.  I really don’t want to, but it might make me feel better about my options if my uterus doesn’t put out this summer.

***

Not much going on, cycle-wise.  I get to start peeing on OPKs tomorrow!  TTC is so exciting.

Meeting

Tonight my husband and I are attending an info session for adoption.  (Well, it’s a webinar, so I guess we’re not really “attending,”  but you know what I mean.)  It’s with the big agency that everyone in Chicago uses, and I would link to it, but then what if I want to complain about them later?*  Our inclination now is to try to adopt an infant from South Korea with minor special needs, though that could change.

I’m both excited and nervous for this.  The thing is, I’m okay with not having my own genetic children and adopting  infant(s).  My husband says that he is, too.

What gives me pause, though, is that I don’t want to stop trying on my own, and most agencies do expect you to.  I understanding their reasoning, I suppose – that you should grieve the loss of your biological children before moving on to adoption, that the adopting a child should be not like finishing second place.

But, well.  I just want to be a parent.  Neither trying biologically nor adopting is a sure-fire path to parenthood.  I could easily spend 2 years trying at either one and ultimately be unsuccessful.  And with any other goal in my life, I’ve been told not to put all the eggs in one basket, etc.  I guess this “goal” of parenthood is different, because it’s less about me and what I want than the child.  Maybe?  But I don’t really see the harm in pursuing both avenues at the same time and, if and when one of them appears to be working out (a referral, or a pregnancy lasting past the point of my previous losses) to put the other on hold.  I would be truly thrilled with either one.

We’ll see.  Our case might be different since we are trying without infertility treatments (at least for now).  Maybe it’s okay to just not prevent pregnancy while in the adoption process?  Or will my social worker demand that I hand over my basal body thermometer and OPKs?

* In the limited amount of time I have spent in the adoption world, I’ve learned that agencies really, really do not like it when you bitch about them online.

Home and exhausted

I got back from Boston late last night.  So tired but such a fun weekend.

E’s babies are so cute.  I loved holding them and giving them bottles and changing them, and I saw poop actually coming out of someone’s butt for the first time.  It was gross but pretty funny.  And it sort of reminded me of why I’m actually doing all this stuff.  I haven’t spent a lot of time with, er, actual babies – I think I’ve had more an abstract idea of wanting one.  It was good to spend time with them and think about the goal rather than the process.

E kept trying to talk about non-baby things for me.  It didn’t really work, given her life and the circumstances, but I appreciated the effort.

I’m really excited to have these two little girls in my life.

***

Not much going on with me, cycle-wise.  Today is CD4.  My fertility friend VIP membership expires today and I’m thinking about whether I should renew.  I’m leaning towards no.  I can still use the stuff they provide for free, and while the VIP membership is fun for obsessing (the pregnancy symptom point thing especially), I’m trying to obsess less.  We’ll see though – I might still break down.

I did decide to temp this cycle though, rather than just relying on the OPK, for two reasons.  First, I am always afraid I am going to miss the LH surge, which matters because I have to time the start of the Prometrium at LH surge plus 3 days.  I can use temps as a backup if that happens.  Second, with that 16 day luteal phase last cycle (normal is 11-12 days), something was clearly screwy – maybe a chemical, or maybe I didn’t ovulate right away (or at all) despite the positive OPK, or maybe it was the Prometrium (though I doubt it, given that I had an 11 day LP on Endometrin).  Or maybe my body really does like to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with a long LP.  I think more data is a good thing when it comes to figuring stuff like this out.

Finally

CD1 today, finally, at 17dpo.  

***

I’m heading out of town this weekend for my good friend E’s twins’ baptism, and am going to be a godmother for one of the twins.  I’m feeling a surprising (to me) lack of angst about this.  E tried for four years to get pregnant, had a miscarriage along the way, and did IVF for these babies.  She’s extremely sensitive to what I’m going through and I couldn’t ask for a better friend. 

The real reason that I think I feel okay – even happy – about this weekend is that I feel included in someone’s baby for once.  So much of infertility is getting left behind.  Being left out of conversations and experiences and all that stuff.  It feels nice to not be left behind in the same way this time.

I wasn’t sure what to give the twin for a gift.  I was raised Catholic and went to a Catholic college, but am not practicing and really had no idea what was expected.  I went to a religious store on Michigan Avenue earlier in the week and out of desperation I decided on what appears to be a gay pride-themed baby rosary:

(I lived in Boy’s Town in Chicago for five years, so anything rainbow looks gay pride to me.)

(Don’t worry, I’m also giving her cash.)

Period, where art thou?

Seriously.  I am at 15dpo here, with a stark white negative test using first morning urine today.  My pregnancy symptoms started fading two days ago and are gone now.  Can I get a CD1 up in this bitch so we can move this party along?

I really should have worn white pants today.

Given the pregnancy symptoms and (at least, depending on when it arrives) 3 days late period, I suspect this was a chemical, but since I have no proof to that effect I’m just going to pretend it wasn’t.

***

I think I need some hobbies so I don’t think about trying to conceive all the time.   Or maybe what I mean is, I need something to obsess about so I can’t think about Baby, Lack Thereof, all the time.

After miscarriage #3 I was consumed with three things:

1. Unemployed husband and a mortgage that equaled my entire salary (or Money, Lack Thereof)
2. Very sick dog with degenerative disc disease who I was worried about having to make a big, awful decision about
3. Install of yearlong project at work; people calling and yelling at me all day

(A pause while I give 2009 the finger.)

Anyway, so while I certainly grieved, I didn’t have time to wallow.   A few months ago, though, the above issues started resolving themselves.  The husband is working again, is much happier, and we can pay our mortgage now.  Dr. Kevin (my dog) is no longer shaking in pain all day and appears to be have recovered.  Work has calmed down and is now very boring.

And believe me – I am very happy about all of this.

Except that now I seem to spend quite a bit of time obsessing about Baby, Lack Thereof, and reading infertility blogs.   Not that I think there’s anything wrong with reading infertility blogs (I mean, duh) – I find them comforting and they help with my feelings of isolation, especially with all my uber fertile friends.

But I think I need something distracting in my life now.  In the past, I would’ve thrown myself into training for a marathon or triathlon, but that’s not an option (for me, with my history) while TTC.  I’m thinking about taking a class, but about what, I’m not sure.  Maybe a writing class, or an MBA class that my work will pay for.  We’ll see.

Puppies and happy things

I think part of the reason I got all Cranky McCrankypants yesterday is that I a) felt embarrassed that I’d “failed” and b) felt stupid for thinking I might actually be pregnant, that this might actually work out so quickly.   Knowing the 20% success statistic for “normal” couples, I’m kind of over the first thing, but I still do feel a little stupid for being so excited and upbeat about the cycle.

I did say I was going try to be positive.   But reproductive hubris is a bitch.

Anyway, we are going to think about happy things now.  Like puppies.  I just realized I don’t have any pictures of myself up, and I always like to see what bloggers look like, for some reason.   Here is me with our dog Micah.  (We have three dogs and two cats – it was a Brady Bunch scenario.)  We adopted Micah from a rescue organization after he spent six years in a puppy mill as a, er, “stud.”  He is the sweetest dog ever, and I love the crap out of him.  I’m so grateful to have him in our lives even though he still poops the living room when we aren’t looking.

In other news, I am getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow – an appointment I was going to postpone if it was a BFP.  (The OBitch was anti-hair dye, I was going to ask my current doctor what her thoughts were before going ahead.)  I am so freaking excited to get this done.   I hate my hair now and put it in a stupid bun every day, and it will be so nice to be able to take care of it, finally.

AND – I have a dentist appointment next week.  Normally, this would not be in the “happy thought” category, but I have some issues in my on the right side of my mouth I’m eager to get fixed.  And I’m due for x-rays and the “are you pregnant?” question that comes along with those is awkward with RPL.  Now I can just say no instead of, um, yes, but-I-have-been-pregnant-three-times-before-and-have-no-living-children-so-don’t-congratulate-me-please, thanks.

BFN

And feeling not so rainbow-and-unicorn-y.

I feel pretty pregnant and am fairly surprised by the result, which makes this harder.  The idea of food makes my stomach turn, I have teh gas, and my boobs hurt.  I’ve been pregnant three times and this is exactly how I felt.  Obviously, it’s the Prometrium.  I thought it might not be since I was on progesterone last cycle (the biopsy cycle), and I didn’t feel this way.  But that was Endometrin – which isn’t currently being made for some unexplained reason – so it must just affect me differently.

Oh well.  Better luck next month.